Petting my cat, and all the sudden she felt the need to give herself an entire bath. I know it sounds weird, but I think I creeped her out.
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[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
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Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.