“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Unimpressed
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years