Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
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Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving