Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
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Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Kids: Stay in school.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.