Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.