@GoodZiIIa

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

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@beefman138

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

@carlyken

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@bobvulfov

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

@imdaintyaf

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

@longwall26

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

@zachary_lampley

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.