pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”