“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?