PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
You Might Also Like
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.