Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.