Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
You Might Also Like
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Hello Twits.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
…..pretty much.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.