@OrdinaryAlso

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

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@Brianhopecomedy

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

@

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

@Jack_Wagon1

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

@Home_Halfway

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

@AngelaEhh

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

@BlairLoudly

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

@GingerHotDish

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

@aveuaskew

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

@hipchkk

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.