pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

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Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.


I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?


When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.


First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.


Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?


ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.


The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.


Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman


*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…