pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
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Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated