PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome