Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
You know…for fall…
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
