Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED