[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Best spoiler warning ever
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!