stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
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First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.