[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?