@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

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@SirEviscerate

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

@ZackBornstein

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

@dreadnaught420

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

@QwertyJones3

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

@semiodd

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

@weinerdog4life

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

@notalogin

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

@garrettn

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.