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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Oh we’ve met.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.