[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.