Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid: