[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
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As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
#merica
Customer is always right
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.