[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
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If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.