[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
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Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I hate my earbuds.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.