[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.