Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
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must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done