[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
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I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing