@ericsshadow

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

You Might Also Like

@mikeodyllan

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

@WilliamRodgers

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

@GoodZiIIa

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

@olivebeerthanks

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

@skullmandible

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

@holly_hjk

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

@dinokitten

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

@mraggab_

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

@ceejoyner

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok