@joeislamo Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
@ericsshadow [phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
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@joeislamo 
@mikeodyllan Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
@WilliamRodgers Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
@GoodZiIIa pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
@olivebeerthanks Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
@skullmandible “most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
@holly_hjk If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
@dinokitten “Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
@mraggab_ What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
@ceejoyner [sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok