*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I remember when things only cost an arm.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
San Francisco has too many rules
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.