*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
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I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*