@HomeWithPeanut Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
@Tmoney68 *phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
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@HomeWithPeanut 
@MrsTomServo “Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
@MelKassel *pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
@richforri I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
@TheAlexNevil This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
@anotherbecky429 Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
@DrakeGatsby The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
@DaddyJew Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
@3sunzzz [Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
@iRowlf If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.