[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
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Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤