*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
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Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training