[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I like donuts.
Twitter:
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.