*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨