phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
thank god the sign was there
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”