[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
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Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
The real reason evolution started..😂
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.