[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
You Might Also Like
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.