H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
You Might Also Like
Him: you’re so cool
Him: …and aloof
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Me: What do you think about that?
5 minutes later
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*