Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*