Phones down.
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science