Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Can Happiness buy money?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.