photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
sigh
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week