Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
crying
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
when revenge coincides with naptime
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi