Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.