Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
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absolute chaos
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out