Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
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MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.