Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Happy Febuary everyone!
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My beach vacation Google searches
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.