Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.