Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”