You Might Also Like
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
PLEASE READ
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.