@Jake_Vig

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

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@GrumpyBahr

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

@AndyAsAdjective

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

@bboven

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

@SketchesbyBoze

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

@MarfSalvador

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

@Gupton68

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

@campcrunk

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me