Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
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ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me