Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Probably my best painting.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes