[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening


911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*


little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve


You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.


In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.


[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies